Home Brands For The Home Bodies

Since I got back to Oz I have not yet been employed. As such, the plan has been TO SPEND AS LITTLE MONEY AS POSSIBLE. No eating out, no cocktails out, and only occasional - as in twice since I returned - activities. One of the most delightful aspects of this new-found minimalist budget has been grocery shopping.

Josh and I tended to do “a shop” at the local supermarket. Well, it’s a city supermarket and Australia has no predatory pricing laws, which means a grocery store in the city can charge more than a grocery story in the suburbs based solely on the fact that they believe people have more money. Now that’s messed up. As such, we’ve been high-tailing it to a much larger still-city-but-not-as-city Woolworth’s to indulge in the glory and wonder that is “Woolworth’s Home Brand.”


Let me start by saying that I have no problem AT ALL buying generic. Often times the contents are even produced in the same factory as the “name” brands and you’re saving upwards of 30% on the shelf. What I do have a problem with is how incredibly unappetizing every product appears when it’s being hawked as the store brand. I mean, my god, can’t we on a budget be enticed by packaging too?



Every single product - whether it’s bread, crackers, milk, or hair gel - is wrapped in plain white plastic. Every. Single. Product. The literal item inside - styling mousse, paper towel, or multigrain sandwich bread - is emblazoned in enormous block letters (usually in Arial font) proclaiming loud and clear what it is you can’t afford in “name brand.” I don’t mean this in a bad way at all. Lots of people buy store brand and it’s great, but when does someone selectively buy EVERY SINGLE ITEM in store brand? Baked beans? Store brand. Lemon cola? Store brand. Tuna? Store brand. Our cart was a sea of white accented by the entire computer font chart from a 1993 PowerMac.

The good news? Why, our bill of course! $100 for 10 days of food. That’s $5 per-person, per-day, in AUSTRALIA where everything is wildly expensive. Needless to say, we’re rather proud of ourselves and I plan to keep it up even when I am employed, should that day ever come...

--

Kyle Taylor

How Do You Say Vegetable? Shop Til’ You Drop

Stacey my traveling companion is a committed kosher vegetarian, and one of those words doesn’t even exist in Chinese. In fact, as I learned this time around, the word for vegetarian translates literally as “I love vegetables,” which in no way speaks to the reality of the situation. Needless to say, we decided to go with the far more forceful “bufang rou,” which translates more literally as “absolutely no freaking meat. At all. NONE.” Minus one little hick-up with some spicy tofu, it’s gone well.

So has the shopping, at which Stacey is an expert! We decided to cram all of it into one very long, very structured day through Shanghai. It all started at the fabric market, where I had some linen pants made for $8 and Stacey stocked up on all things silk, from pashmina scarves to ties. From there it was a short taxi ride to Old Town, which is the process of being Disney-fied to look “Chinese.” This segment of the shopping adventure can be aptly named “sit, sip tea and get yelled at for refusing to pay $80 for 250 grams of green tea. Walk out refusing to pay, get chased down the street, finally agree on a price and have the woman HATE you then pay accordingly and have the change thrown in your face. Oh wait - that is exactly what happened.


Onward to the bag market at Quipu Lu, pronounced “cheap street.” Seriously. Taxi drops us and a guy immediately approaches offering “watches and bags.” For whatever reason I decide he is totally trustworthy and we follow him in. Three hours later he has acted a personal shopper, tour guide, bargaining assistant and bag carrier. We have everything we need and don’t have to actually “look” for a thing. Perfection. Stacey is now the proud owner of three “Chanel” bags, a “Chanel” watch, some Le Sport Sac and some “Ray Bans.” I now own a $4 fanny pack branded “Shallow Grass” and reading “Believe in Yourself. Full of dreams and full of hopes. They would let you feel warm no matter where you are. They would bring you joy no matter who you are. Shallow Grass will be with you forever.” Combine that with my “North Face” windbreaker and you’ve summed up our afternoon.

Onward to DVDs! 140 disks and $135 later, Stacey and I are happy as pie. A nice afternoon rest and we hit the town to do what Shanghai does best: entertain. Citizen Bar and Sichuan Citizen for dinner with my amazing Shangers friends and a perfect Shanghai day is complete. Best. Place. Ever.


And a final thank you to our marvelous host Catherine! Love!


--

Kyle Taylor

Move Along, Move Along!

I was doing my usual weekend shopping in Carrefour last night grabbing the essentials – bread, butter, eggs, orange juice, dumplings (it’s amazing how the essentials change) when I came across a rather “China moment.” Carrefour is enormous. Think of a Cosco, double that image, and you’ve just about got a Shanghai supermarket. Now take that and double it again, as this store is two stories! Again, this is my local grocery store.

As people are obviously purchasing an enormous amount of goods, carts are essential. To get these carts from one floor to the next they’ve installed 100-yard-long cart escalators with special grooves that “lock” the cart into place so it doesn’t slide ravenously down the slope. Anyway, enough backstory.

So here I am on the escalator heading down from “Foods” to “Household Goodnessing” poking around at the numerous “pick me up while you’re moving down the escalator and have nothing else to do” items when I hear an enormous crash from below. I turn to find that a huge foam sign has snapped off its suspension string and come roaring to the ground immediately in front of the escalator on-off area. During the fall it took out a good two or three-hundred roses, a shelf of “green tea” toothpaste and a small Chinese man.

True to form everyone in a ten-mile radius rushes to the scene and begins yelling at one-another over who is at fault, why this occurred, and what should be done about it. This all happens in the thirty seconds or so that I am still “escalating” (or de-escalating, as it is). By the time I reached the bottom it had apparently been decided that nothing would be done and rather than make any attempt to move the sign people began to just force themselves and their carts over the top of it. This was obviously no easy task, and the line to go upstairs started getting longer and longer. Because they had no horns to honk people were banging their carts and yelling as if to say, “what’s the hold-up? What, you can’t get over an enormous piece of foam board that is blocking the pathway? HURRY UP!”

Tempers were flaring, chaos ensued, and no one did a thing about the sign! Some employees came around and just stood there, watching people struggle over the top it. There was no attempt made AT ALL to move the monstrosity or shift it to the side. Instead, people just continued. Onward and upward, I guess! It just left me wondering, as always, would this EVER happen at home? Then I geared my cart up, built some momentum and plowed over the sign, heckling the guy in front of me for moving too slow. Hey, when in China…