Everything’s Better In…

So I’ve been back in the good old US of A for only a short time and there are several aspects of our society that I’m still not quite relating too.

1. Why is everyone so big? I mean, people are just enormous. I realize that I’m also large at 6 foot 1, but it’s also the huskiness of my fellow Americans.
2. Where is everyone? There are like, no people here, and that includes Southern California. After being packed like a sardine with 25 million other people in an area slightly larger than Manhattan, Los Angeles feels like a small town in Kansas.
3. I can breath! The air is so clear, even in supposedly disastrous LA! My lungs are in shock.
4. Everything is so clean! Roads, cars, bathrooms, people…it’s like someone took a big bucket of soap and water then gently cleansed most of the North American continent, even managing to reach airport restrooms. Note to westerners: be thankful for what we have (including toilet paper in public stalls).
5. Everything is so pretty! From the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean to the cement sidewalks, every bit of my surroundings is just so nice to loot at!
6. I arrived via Los Angeles so WOW, the weather is amazing in America! 75 degrees, no clouds, birds chirping (they killed all the birds in China), no humidity…Paradise!
7. We eat so many carbohydrates! Oh my gosh, I think I’ve eaten some sort of bread or potato product with every meal since I arrived home. What’s with that? They just leave you feeling bloated and unfulfilled…What I wouldn’t do for a dumpling right about now.
8. We eat so much cheese! Now this one really boggles my mind. We eat cheese omelets and toast for breakfast, a sandwich, salad or burrito with CHEESE for lunch, then a CHEESEburger with fries for dinner. Note that each of the above is also heavy in carbohydrates.
9. What’s a vegetable? I can’t remember what they look like. I haven’t seen one since I got back. Do we eat them…ever?
10. Where are the big buildings? Even in DC I’m not feelin’ it. I’ll be in NYC next week, so we’ll see how I feel then.
11. People are so nice everywhere! A woman held the elevator for me today. It brought tears to my eyes. The woman at In N’ Out asked me how I was doing. I didn’t no how to reply, blankly uttering a short “good?”
12. We watch A LOT of TV, and it’s central to some of our lives. In fact, certain immediate family members who shall remain nameless couldn’t go to dinner with me because “Heroes” was on and they “Always watch Heroes.” I watched talking heads spout propaganda for eight months. Let’s go outside!
13. The number 13 is unlucky. That means I get to replace 4. Thankfully, my cell phone number has no 13s in it. Oh, and do we really not have a 13th floor anywhere? Come on! Suck it up!

And last but not least…

14. Everyone can understand me when I talk! I was sitting in In N’ Out (I go there quite often when I’m in CA) eating a burger watching people wander in and out when a girl walked in wearing an awful short skirt with enormous tacky heels. Without realizing it I opened my mouth and said, at full volume, “look what that girl is wearing. I mean, honestly!” She, along with everyone else in the restaurant turned and stared right at me. I pointed to my friend across the table. I think I brought that skill back with me too.